Hooked on a feeling

This is not a story. It’s my jumbled thoughts spilling out so…

My head’s in a weird place lately.

Closing a chapter, beginning another, changing my geographic location.  I feel like I should be more excited about going, or sad about leaving, or something other than ambivalent.

I’m wondering if I need to reexamine my goals in general. Realistically, will I ever manage publication or accomplish the things I feel I should? Maybe I’m thinking beyond my ability? Should I really pursue my doctorate? Are these things I want for myself? I’m too self-aware, too thoughtful, which makes me question the moves I make.

This lack of real emotion bothers me. I’m just getting back into writing with any real excitement and already feel another block coming on. Damn, fickle creativity.

But…

What if nothing turns out how I think it should? I’m taking a huge risk that I may fail to succeed at.

I realize I don’t try because I’m petrified of failing. And not feeling excited about something life changing makes me worry that I’m on my way to failing, like I’m not sure on some level.

I don’t feel rational. I just feel weird and totally out of sorts. I feel like a kid playing at being a grown up. My degrees mean little, my success means little, my travels mean little, my expertise, my knowledge, my wisdom…

Maybe the excitement will bloom soon.

29 comments

  1. I think anything new or completely different would feel weird. It’s the unknown factor that you can’t plan for that’s scary. I’m like you in a lot of ways, so maybe I relate a little more than most people. You’ll do good though. You’re smart, talented and from the dirty pictures I’ve seen of you, beautiful. Sometimes you need to just take a deep breath and jump. Good luck, I wish you all the best 😉

  2. The ambivalence is most likely your coping skill keeping you from panicking. It gets you through. And don’t you dare give up on your dreams! Without dreams, dear Cara, what is there?

    Life does not hand us what we think it should. It hands us life and we grow and change and move on. Sometimes it’s fantastic, sometimes not so much. But the fact remains it is life, and therefore what we make of it. Contentment is a state of mind. You will find your way in this new place. It will be difficult at times and challenging and frustrating. And it will be exciting, new and awe inspiring. You can do. I have no doubt!

    And feeling like playing grown up… Yeah, I’m in my 30s and still think that hon.

    I wish you knew how much you rock. *hugs and kisses*

  3. Why is it that once we really have achieved something, it does not seem to matter to us anymore? As if anything we are able to do or buy or attain couldn’t possibly be of any value?

    We are a lot alike…except that I’m nowhere near having a doctorate, which obviously would mean nothing to me if I was. 😉

    I am sending you many hugs and kisses,
    Dawn

  4. “I realize I don’t try because I’m petrified of failing” – me and you both BT. but here you are, being strong enough and brave enough to make such major lfe changes, and pursuing goals that you do not necessariy know will succeed.
    At the risk of sounding like a cheap self-help book, you must give yourself credit for not waiting for life to change you, but instead changing your life. You will always know that you have that strength within you to try something new and scary, and you can do it again whenever you need to.

    1. I have a feeling this change will be good in the end in so many different ways. I’m also hoping it forces me to be bold. We’ll see thanks for your comment, BT!

  5. Because you have uncertainty its going to be hard to be excited. Let yourself be excited. You don’t want to look back and wish you’d took this leap. You’re taking it. Go for it. I think this is going to be a good change. 😀

      1. Airports are pretty awesome sometimes. Great places to read and reflect because there ain’t much else to do. I try to get to the gate super-early for this very reason.

  6. Put blinders on if you can; focus on the process; don’t be afraid of failing. Dig into what failing means to you and see if you can’t take some of its power away, because honestly, failing doesn’t truly exist in a way. It’s just a result you weren’t expecting/working towards/hoping for, but it could be just as valuable to your life in the end.

    Anyway, I know all about the fear of setting goals because of fearing failure. The only thing is, is you’re still making a decision, it’s just not in the direction you want to go. Then boom, it’s like you failed anyway. It’s a terrible little circle.

    I hope you feel better soon, Cara. xx Hy

    1. I’m getting there. I think I went from ambivalent to extremely nervous. My uncertainty is making me scared, but I know (have known) the steps I’m taking or the right ones to take. Thanks! ❤

  7. Just wanted to say (((((hugs))))) honey 🙂

    I’m a big believer in life being a journey, and I read recently…. “Life is meant to be a series of struggles and lulls. Try to see each setback as a chance to improve.” (Richard Templar).

    Xx

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