I suck at applying eyeliner

As usual, mind is moving fast and I need to write.

I met up with H.H and Lola for dinner tonight. They are lovely by the way. I’ve met a few fellow bloggers in the last 3.5 months and I’m glad for every experience. I tell everyone I meet that I’m terribly awkward and it’s made worse by the number of people I meet. It takes a bit for me to relax into someone’s company and that’s even with people I’ve known for a long time. I routinely wonder what people think when they meet me. Blogging only gives a sliver of a picture of who I am and I often wonder if I measure up to the expectations.

Anyway, we met, had dinner, and hung out with their cool group of friends. I came to a few conclusions…

1) I’m prone to chattering when I’m nervous
2) I have ADD and my eyes wander
3) I think I sound extremely ridiculous when I speak. Like unintelligent
4) I’m a better at written than verbal (as in I process more via written word), but that’s not saying much
5) I don’t know how to make friends and carry on small talk
6) the larger the group the quieter I get


Those are a few thoughts. The biggest of which is my wonder if I’m interesting enough to be in a long term relationship.

As I hung out with their crew, I couldn’t help noticing the cute girl beside H.H. I say a lot I’m not into girls, and I’m not, but you notice those who are attractive. I’ve only recently come to the point where I can say a woman is cute without it being a huge deal in my head. For the longest time I questioned my sexuality and what any type of attraction meant. If I was honest, I’d say I was at least a 2 on the Kinsey scale though. But I digress…

She was adorable! Loved her hair and her smile. She’s the type of girl I’d go for. Just like I like my men obviously masculine, I like women who are obviously girls. No, her hair wasn’t long, but she was so feminine to me. So sweet. Maybe it was the color of her skin or her ease I liked. I love other women of color so maybe that’s what caught my eye.

What’s my point here? The fact that I’m really complex. Aren’t we all though?

It’s never as simple as the fun sex we’re having or the fun things in our lives. It’s so much more varied than that.

I’m an awkward girl that prattles when she’s nervous, is a little uncomfortable around strangers, that prefers being inside writing or reading a book, and who has struggled with every aspect of her life. I’m like a piece of decadent layered cake. Every part makes me delicious and I wouldn’t be as yummy if one part was missing.

You want all the cake! Yummy cake. 🙂


  1. Man CC, I could write that same thing. I don’t think you’re varied in thought and complex like all people who ponder life. Keep on doin what you’re doing. You are way ahead of me in that Carpe Diem way. xo, Jayne I don’t even attempt eyeliner!

  2. I knew we got along for a reason. I absolutely can’t shut up when I’m nervous, but if the crowd is big enough, I go completely mute. And I always feel awkward and suck at small talk…so I feel ya…and you’re not alone! 🙂

  3. I’m right there with you on the eyeliner! And I’m sure you are perfectly lovely in person as your words are here.

    XXOO, Ella

    (PS, I have a new site – hopefully I won’t get shut down this time)

  4. Girl, you are being WAY too hard on yourself! I don’t suffer from quite the same level of anxiety as you, but I know what you’re talking about in regards to going over everything play by play afterwards. I’m the opposite of you. I “turn it on” when in strange situations and in big groups and I can spend an entire day afterwards going over everything I said/did.

    That being said, knowing how we operate under “stress” is a big leg up in just letting go of our worries and enjoying ourselves no matter what it looks like.

    Lastly, holy shit, you got to hang out with HH and Lo?? How amazing!! Maybe you should organize a little blogger get-together for all of us since you’re old hat at it! 🙂

    1. I am! I know I am, but I’m entirely too introspective for my own good really. If there’s a way to overthink something, I’ve done it. I’m not comfortable in my own skin sometimes.

      I’m trying to meet as many people as possible! I’ve managed a few so far, but there are some many I’d love to see face to face. Perhaps I’ll try to head something up.

      1. Well, I don’t know where you live, but I’m sure we could make it happen. I’d love to be able to meet faces finally. Remember when Gillian used to say she’d set something up?? Yeah… I’d still love it. Hell, maybe you and I should put our heads together and do it…

  5. I think that we are twins separated at birth by a sexy, masculine nurse at the hospital! I would tell you to stop being so hard on yourself too but that would ring false coming out of this mouth. We really should though.

    Hugs to you and HH and Lo! Let me know next time…:)


  6. I think you hit right on…we’re all complex…lol. I’m not an eyeliner fan. I’ve actually played with it more in the past year than ever before in my life, just cause my daughter wanted too. Glad you got to meet some fellow bloggers…sounds fun. Maybe one day when my life changes, I’ll get to do things like that.

  7. You’re right – I never thought about it like that. Every layer makes us yummier. The more complex, the better. Hmmm. This is a great perspective.

I like it when you talk to me

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